: A thread on the forums discussing the possibility of a magic the gathering style NLO trading card game came up and it was a huge clusterfuck of card ideas, so I figured this would be easier for people to contribute to.

Submit the card name and what its effects would be ONLY. Any discussions about the mechanics of the game should be on the thread.


Hosts

Card Name:HP	Stats
Patrick : 130 HP	Ability 1: The Soc: Can use any joke card (excluding characters) for double damage. (Can be used once every 6 turns).
	Ability 2: OK, you're Muted - Chance to roll a 5 or 6 to nullify the opponents current attack (Can be used once every 4 turns).
	Ability 3: ???
JB : 110 HP	Ability 1: Freestyle - X2 Damage using a song card (Can be used once every 5 turns).
	Ability 2: Healing Items have 50% more effect.
	Ability 3: Way to Turn Everything into a Song -When any joke card is used, chance to roll a 5 or 6 to turn it into a song and deflect all damage. (Can only be used once every 5 turns)
Chef : 120HP	Ability 1 - Jew Greed - Chef sees a penny on the ground. Miss this turn to pick it up. Recover 25HP next turn. (Can only be used once every 5 turns)
	Ability 2 - Biting Remark - Chance to roll a 6 for Chef to hit his opponent with a spectacular burn. Target loses 45HP and both Chef and the target miss their next turn. (Can only be used once every 5 turns)
	Ability 3: Good Point: Chance to roll a 5 or 6 to nonchalantly reduce any damage taken that round by -50%. (Can only be used once every 5 turns)
Adam : 130HP	Ability 1: Adam Eat This: If the opponent has 1 or more healing cards in their hand, steal and use the one of highest value. (Can only be used once every 5 turns)
	Ability 2: No show Prep: Chance to roll a 5 or 6 to see your opponents’ cards in their hand. (Can only be used once every 5 turns)
Tony Gaud : 110HP	Ability 1:Too good! Do a really cheesy and embarrassing ad. You gain +50HP but your joke next turn do -50% damage.
	Ability 2: Get high. smoke up and roll the die, even miss next turn getting your shit together, odd deal 30 damage to target player with your newly invented "cupcakes".
Jake Lloyd : 120HP	Ability 1: Jake-Fuckin'-Lloyd - Misses current turn but riddles his next joke with F-bombs, +100% damage.
	Ability 2: Jake Interrupted: Interrupts opponents next move, but gets scolded taking -10HP damage.
Dagre : 120HP	Ability 1: Mid Show Piss - Leave play for 1 turn (invulnerable) and recover 20HP. (Can only be used once every 5 turns)
	Ability 2 : BEER IS GOOD! +50HP but cannot attack during the next turn. (Can only be used once every 5 turns)
Roy : 120HP	Ability 1: Comedic experience - Uses his experience in comedy to dig deep for more jokes. Draw 3 cards from your deck. (Can only be used once every 5 turns)
	Ability 2 : Nah, lets not do this bit - Chance to roll a 5 or 6 to stop your opponents joke in it's track. (Can only be used once every 5 turns)
Nick Starr : 100	Ability 1: Punch the Doughnuts - If Nick's health is 10HP or lower, he can self destruct (physically and emotionally), wiping out himself and the current opponent's host entirely.
	Ability 2: Suicide Threat - Halt all opponents actions for 2 turns. (Can only be use 2wice in the game as the opponent looses interest)
Brian King : 120HP	Ability 1: Plug brianisinyou - Distract target player causing their jokes to be ineffective this turn. Your jokes next turn are of brianisinyou calibre (-50% as effective). (Can only be used once every 5 turns)
	Ability 2: Fuck Starline - Miss next turn and gain 50HP (you need 6 turns to recover)
Ralph : 110HP	Ability 1: Ehhhhh - Rlaph's Canadian apathy makes the opponent unable to attack next turn (but can still draw cards and use items). (Can only be used once every 5 turns)
	Ability 2: Banhammer - Chance to roll a 5 or 6 to stun the opponent for 2 turns.
Kami: 110HP	Ability 1: Kami-Whammy! - Take your opponents last joke and make a funny song out of it. Reflect 50% of damage. (Can only be used once every 6 turns)
	Ability 2: Catchy Jingle - Chance to roll a 5 or 6 to stun opponent for 2 turns. (Can only be used once every 4 turns)

Jokes

Card Name	Effect
On the Boardwalk:	The fuuuuuuuuun never stops! -20HP.
Halloween is Awesome:	Used attached to a joke card. This song makes any joke sound better, +50% damage.
Sad Clown Music:	Noone can take your opponent seriously with this in the background, Nulifies any damage taken for current turn.
And then I showed them my Dick!:	Used attached to a joke card. Causes an additional -10HP for 2 turns.
That's Just Hurtful:	Used attached to a joke card. Causes an additional -5HP for 2 turns.
Fuck you (Jake Lloyd):	Puts target host back into his place, -20HP. Double damage against Jake Lloyd.
Ahtouchb'hag:	Your opponents eyes water to your gentle caress, -30HP.
Chicken Nugget Challenge I: Chicken Nugget Challenge II: Chicken Nugget Challenge III:	Force your oppenent to scoff nuggets down their gullet. -10HP. (Cards must be played consecutively). More processed chicken, -20HP. Too... much... chicken... -40HP + Miss 1 turn (to throw up).
Everything Bagels:	Hilarious prank call, -20HP.
iPhone:	You show off your shiny new iPhone, +15HP you, -15HP them. Double damage for & against Nick Starr.
Gilmore Girls:	-10HP and stun the opponent for 1 turn. If your host is Patrick or Roy deal -25HP damage.
Rant:	Can play 2 joke cards this turn. Cannot play any joke, song or character cards next round. (Ignore if your host is Patrick)
Sparkling Wiggles:	Tell a story causing your opponent to appear racist, -15HP. X2 Damage against Johnny.
MMPFP I: MMPFP II: MMPFP III:	I am involved in... -15HP. (Cards must be played in order and damage doubles for each further card)
You're a Jew:	Easy but satisfying joke -10HP them +10HP you. Double damage against Chef.
Dick Joke:	An NLO staple, -10HP. Double damage against Patrick.
Fart Joke:	Another NLO staple, -10HP.
Shit Story:	-25HP and next player's jokes pale in comparison to your lolerific story, (-50% damage). Double damage against Roy.
Gay joke:	A fan favourite, -20HP. Double damage to Nick.
Fat Joke:	Far too easy, -15HP. Double damage to JB and Patrick.
Guy Banter:	You hang around with guy banter giving you massive street cred, +25HP and drawing the crowd away from your opponent, -25HP.
Iron Cake:	Builds a fortress around you, making you invulnerable for 2 turns.
Steve Carlson:	Sucks the comedy right out of the opponent, -15HP + misses 1 turn.
HEY THEY'RE PILOT!:	LOOKS LIKE YOU'RE PLAYIN' A CARD GAME!, -35HP.
Songsmith:	I was a lizard with cancer..., -15HP. Double damage for
Freestyle:	Drop some phat beats on yo ass, -10HP. Ineffective against JB & Patrick.
My Black iPod...: I,II,III,IV,V	Must have all 5 cards to play, -100HP.
Drinko de Mayo:	Drunken Stories and Ramblings, -20HP. -40hp if Dagre plays this joke.
No Cussing Club:	Opponent's next attack is reduced by -50%. Completly nullifys Jake's Ability 1.
Ipodiphotoiwataiphone:	Oh boy, -15HP. Double damage to Nick Starr.
Great Balls of Fire I, II:	Shock those balls! -30HP you, - 60HP them. (Cards can only be played together)
Annoying Noises:	-15HP with -5HP for 2 turns.
Cringe Moment:	Nail clippers on Teeth, -25HP. Double damge against Patrick.
Hamburger Covered in Pepper:	Gross everyone out, -10HP all opponents, Nick starr gains +10HP.
Dion the Catraper:	Rapes your opponent's cat -10HP.
Skidoo:	Reduce damage -50% for 2 turns.
You're Punbelieveable!:	OHHHHHHHHH! -20HP, opponent -50% damage next turn.
Allegedly!:	Roll a die. Even -50% damage taken this round, Odd +50% damage taken.
Brandy Knutson is a Lying Whore:	Put your player through hell, -10HP for 3 turns. 4 turns against Chef.
Nathen Slade is a Liar:	Lie the credibality right out of your opponent, -15HP. Double damage against Patrick.
Marathon Show: I,II,III,IV,V	-5HP. Damage doubles with each consecutive card played.

Items/Events

Card Name	Effects
SABC:	Incease your attack next turn by +50% and reduce any damage next turn by -50%.
Myah:	Reduce any damage in the next turn by -50%.
WOOT OFF!:	Distract the Opponent for 1 turn.
Cock Moulds:	Roll the die once each to see who's the bigger man. -25HP looser, +25HP winner.
See You Again/Miley Cyrus:	This catchy song sticks in your opponents head, causing -10HP for 4 turns.
Net Sassy:	Give a stern telling off which causes –5HP for 5 turns.
Lacking Originality:	Go back into your discarded pile and reuse any joke card again.
Twitter Timeout:	Roll die. Even: Miss 1 Turn, Odd: Miss 2 Turns.
Into the Mic:	Next attack +100% damage.
Break your Headphones:	Interrupt: target joke is ineffective because you can't hear shit, but miss a turn while you look for a new pair of headphones.
Cowbell of Shame:	Interrupt:Counters any normal joke or song card, reflecting all damage.
Semper Pi:	Double Rations, +30HP.
Break from the Show:	Time to regroup, +60HP you and +20HP to target opponent. You both may not play a joke card next turn.
Full Tilt Poker:	Challenge your opponent to a poker match. Roll the die, odd you loose, even you win. -30HP to looser, +30HP to winner.
You and Me Pickin' on the Third Guy:	Find another character card in your deck and use one of its abilities. Discard after use.
Adam & Eve:	Adult DVD, +10HP. Pocket Pussy, +25HP. Custom Cock Mold, +50HP, +1 extra turn.
Brain Toniq:	Single Can, +10HP 12 Pack, +25HP 1 Case, +50HP, +1 extra turn.
Hit the Gym:	Self Confidence Boost! +15HP.
No, Lets not do this bit:	Nullify you're opponents joke Roy Johnson style. Deflect all damage taken that round.
Mewywevvle:	Interrupt: Cause the opponent to flub a line during their last joke, reflecting all damage back onto your opponent.
Alright, you're Muted:	Interrupt: That was just hurtful, you miss a turn.
Uh Oh, That's a Song Token...:	Interrupt: If the opponent used a song card on you, they suffer 50% of the damage also.
CHARACTER CALLBACK!:	If you've used a 2ndary character, go through your discarded pile and return any 1 character to your hand.
Hand it over fat boy!:	card that steals a song token from the targeted player
Brain King:	Upgraded Studio, +50% damage next turn. +100% damage if your host is Brain King.
Kami:	Plays a catchy jingle, -10HP for 2 turns. Double damage if your host is Kami.
Song Token:	Opponent can't use any song cards for 2 turns.
Talking Token:	Opponent can't use any regular or secondary characters for 2 turns (excluding Guy Banter and Iron Cake).
Slanket:	Snuggle up nice and cosy this turn, +20HP.
TWO GOOD!:	Play an embarrassing piece of audio of your opponent, -20HP. Double damage against Tony Gaud and Nick Starr.
Zane:	Hosts have to be on their best behavior. All attacks -50% for 1 turn.
Ralph:	Ban the opponent from acting for 2 turns.
Bandana of Gravy:	This bandana gives you strength, and tastes great! +50% attack 1 turn, +10HP.
Churrow or Burrow?:	Roll a die. 1-3, restore +50% of your overall HP. 4-6, restore +50% of your overall rep.
Tub of Cheesecake:	Take this turn off and treat yourself, +30HP.
Tor-Ture:	Shamelessly reveal all cards in your opponents hand, but take -20HP for doing so.
Down to the Crull:	If your HP is 15 or less, recover half of your overall HP.
I want a Diet Coke!:	Choose 1 of your opponents cards to steal. (After it is used it returns to your opponents discarded pile)
Sometimes These Bitches need to get Hurt:	+50% damage on next turn. +100% if Patrick is your host.
Secret Segment:	Choose a random card from your deck to play this turn. (Cards are face down when you choose)
Bag Of Crap:	Discard all cards in your hand and draw the same amount of new cards from your deck.
Patrick's High School Art:	???
Towery:	??? (Character card)

Locations

Card Name	Effects
NLOL 07 - Tampa	+10 Overall HP, +10HP.
NLOL 08 - Las Vegas	+25 Overall HP, +25 HP.
NLOL 09 - Houston	+15 Overall HP, +15HP.
NLOL UK - London	+20 Overall HP, +20HP.
IHOP	+30HP.
Tampa Improv	All jokes do double damage for 2 turns.
Biloxi	Target player rolls dice, if 1-4 gain 30HP if 5 or 6 lose 45 HP.
Open Mic	Test the waters. Roll a die to see if your material works or bombs. Even, +50% damage next turn. Odd, -50% next turn.
Feature	The preasure is on. Roll a die. See above, but lasts 2 turns.
Headliner	These people payed good money! See above, but lasts 3 turns.